So I’ve finally reached a point where I can look back at my almost 4 years relationship that ended a month ago and not want to call him up begging for him to be with me again. I miss him, but it was his loss. Here’s how it goes. We were together for 3 years. Had just had our 3rd year anniversary. When I find out that he has been talking romantically with another girl for a year. Now considering I was 14 when we first started dating I had my moments of doubt about the relationship but I always felt so guilty that I told him immediately. Him and this woman had been talking for a year, planning an apartment together and marriage and what not. He denied for a month till I caught him in action. He confessed that it was true and that he just didn’t know how to let her down and blah blah blah. I wanted to forget about it and continue. But it ate away at me. We were engaged and he had been talking about being with and marrying another woman. No, I had to forget, I had to move on. I went to college and reached a point where he was up till 2 and wanted me to stay up to talk to him. So I would stay up, get tired, really tired, very tired, about to pass out, and then suddenly wide awake. He would call, talk for a couple mins long enough to ask how my day was then fall asleep. I was so frustrated that he didn’t care how his schedule affected me. Because by the time my sleep dep wore off and I would pass out I would miss all of my classes. He refused to find time for me. I failed college. Moved in with my dad and step-mom just to find out that they were moving and I couldn’t go with them. I tried to find a job but unemployment rates there were some of the highest in the country. So me and my ex talked about getting an apartment together we planned and saved. My parents said I had a month left so I started getting the move together. My ex would have to get his tires replaced, go look at the apartment and come get me. That was it. I already managed everything else. But he didn’t two weeks passed and he had done nothing but he was supposed to come get me the next monday. So we held of a week. Till the last possible moment, because he just couldn’t seem to find time. He was too busy.. He finally got the tires and went to look at the apartment. Friday he would go sign the lease and monday he would come get me. on his way to go sign the lease he noticed his tire was loosing air. So, he goes to a tire store and tells them to replace the whole damn thing. While replacing it they said he needed this and that and without asking questions said ok. Paid out $500. Well there goes deposit money. Couldn’t get it signed. I panicked. Another two weeks and I would be homeless. So, I researched again. Found a place we could afford. Well his mom needs him to pay this and he just remembered he had to pay this other thing too so we don’t have enough for that either. I placed all my hope in him. I placed all my trust in him and he didn’t care. Everyone told me to leave him, because yes things come up but when it’s like this it just seems like one excuse after another. I called my mom and asked for her help she said I could come stay on her couch until I go a job and an apartment. I stayed with my fiance because I still loved him. I still saw myself with him. I found a job. Started working long hours but I would still find time for him. Then, while at work one day it dawned on me that I was the only one in the relationship. I told him that I was getting wore out trying to keep us together and he told me how lucky he was that I pu7t up with him and how much he loves me and another realization hit. I don’t feel loved. I don’t trust him. I don’t want him. But I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and I probably always will, but for 4 years I have only thought about his happiness, what’s best for him, how I can help him. Am I being too hard on him? Am I being to pushy? Am I being too needy? Am I a bitch? I degraded myself because of him to the lowest form of existence. I was so worrie dabout him that I myself was miserable. I was unhappy with myself mentally and physically, and I began to resent him for it. Over and over I was hurt. Over and over I was lied to. Over and over I was put down, beaten emotionally. I wanted to be happy. But…… I love him. Yes, yes I do love him. I care about him, but for once I loved me enough to take care of me. I left. I knew that if he asked for me back I would go back to him because he had the balls to still want me, but after a month I have recieved nothing from him. I talked to him long enough to ask him to drop my scarf off at my step-sisters and when he didn’t I resented him more and was more firm in my belief that I did the right thing. I may not have a whole lot of respect for myself but if I love someone enough that I would willingly die for them then they better respect me. I deserve that much. I love him, but he doesn’t deserve me. I was hurt too bad for too long and now, this is my life. I did not cause us to fall apart. I did not ruin the relationship. I did not stop loving him. And I will no longer take the blame. I did my best and I am sad that it he didn’t care but as of right now I’m moving on. I will make myself something that I will be happy with because I should be loved also.